Home for Christmas
by LLunaStorta
Summary: After the trip to Indian Springs, Hester comes back...
1. Chapter 1

My hands were around his neck and I was squeezing. I wanted to squeeze the life out of him. He was choking, his face red, his eyes wide, thrashing on the ground where I had pinned him straddling him. He was fighting for his life helplessly trying to free himself.

We were in a woods enfolded by the shadows of the night but his fear, the pleading in his eyes were so clear to see in the pale moonlight. It meant nothing to me. My heart was cold stone. I strengthened my grip.

I heard someone, a woman call my name hysterically, desperately begging me to let him go to spare his life.

"Nick! Stop it! Stop it! Niiick! Stop iiiit!"

But I wouldn't. I didn't want to stop, I just wanted him dead. He deserved to die and I felt compelled to complete my task.

Suddenly, he wasn't fighting anymore. Like a rag doll in my hands, his head was bobbing with my every movement. I finally let go of him. He was lying unmoving. Dead.

I couldn't quite say who he was.

I tried to focus on his face. His eyes were still open, an outraged look of infinite sadness and betrayal in them. Those eyes. Those familiar blue eyes.

Suddenly, I realized.

The first time I had seen those eyes it had been on the bridge. I didn't know who that young stranger was. But as soon as I saw him, I immediately felt something that startled me and I caught the same sparkle in his eyes. There, on the bridge, our kindred spirits created a bond well before we were aware of that.

None of us wanting to back up, we started to boast and brag about our respective shooting skills with his Mexican "blowpipe" and my English gun. Not quite joking, we were studying each another, ready to react to the first movement. I was sincerely amused and enjoying our "talk". Well, that until the bridge collapsed under the weight of our equal stubbornness.

Once out of the water, we smiled at each other from opposite shores and quickly rode away toward opposite directions. We still didn't know it, but there was just one way for us, just one destiny, and our opposite directions would inexorably lead us there.

He just dropped into my life like that, without a warning. Out of the blue, I had a new brother. At the beginning, I was more than reluctant to accept the mere notion but by the time I met Hester, it really felt like that, and it felt damn right.

Heath brought me back something that was missing in me. Something I was missing since Father's death.

We didn't know much about our past lives, and we were different like night and day, but we understood each other perfectly. It was kind of magic. Heath would throw an apple over his shoulders and I'd infallibly catch it. He knew exactly where I was without the need to turn, the same way I knew he was going to throw that apple and when, exactly. We were the perfect fit and didn't even totally realize it.

Day by day, this stranger became my brother and I cared for him. But I didn't really know just how much, how much he meant to me until Evan Miles shot him.

 _When we arrived at the Miles Ranch we found Wally, his son Evan and their men all aligned in front of us, their rifles drawn. I saw our cows in the distance, an armed man guarding them, but I wasn't afraid. Nothing would happen, not with the Miles._

 _I straightened my back and spoke from the saddle._

 _"Wally, I understand you're holding three of our cows"._

 _"That's right", the old man replied. "They were your cows"._

 _Send them back", I ordered._

 _"Not a chance. They busted down our fence, they'll be held for damages", the stubborn rancher replied._

 _"Wally, now don't act stupid. Those cows are our property. You send them back or we'll come in and get them", I promised._

 _"You cross that line and we'll start shooting", he threatened._

 _The Miles and the Barkleys were good neighbors and lifetime friends. We had helped each other countless times. Wally and his wife were there when Jarrod was born. Hell, they helped deliver him into this world! No, he'd never shoot us._

 _I slowly dismounted. Heath, beside me, did the same. Never diverting our eyes from the men in front of us, we tied our horses' bridles to the barbed wire fences they had decided to put there to divide our properties, a symbol of our differences a proof that what was dividing us was well beyond the ownership of three cows._

 _"Don't come any further, Nick, I'm warning you", Wally said, trying to sound menacing._

 _I felt Heath's eyes on me. He'd do anything I'd tell him to do. He'd blindly follow me to hell and back if necessary. As I stepped forward, he bent to pass underneath Coco's bridles and join me._

 _As the bullets began to fly hitting the ground in a mad dance around our feet, whistling in the air, Heath was walking right beside me determined like I was. It felt good to have him there by my side._

 _We proceeded that way, slowly stepping on the grass and among the logs they were using to build the fences._

 _I felt there was something wrong before I actually saw it with my eyes._

 _Heath jerked and turned on his side. The pain of the bullet burning his skin, cutting his flesh, penetrating his arm made him bend, his left hand on his right arm. He made two more weak steps and fell on the ground._

 _Without even thinking I was there, kneeled beside him. I couldn't hear any sound but the frantic beat of my heart and the confused mix of thoughts that crowded my mind._

 _"Please, please don't let it be his artery. Please, God, don't let him die"._

 _I quickly untied my kerchief from my neck and tied it in a tight knot above the wound. It was bleeding. It was bleeding profusely. His shirt sleeve was red and I had his blood on my trembling hands. I put more pressure on the wound, as the vital liquid was flooding through my fingers on the ground. The fear of losing him gripped my guts. My brother's precious life was leaving his body drop by drop._

 _Wally was there, saying something, apologizing. But I could only hear my own voice, inside my head._

 _I looked at Wally and I knew what hate meant. For the first time since Father had died, I wanted revenge. If Heath died, I would see to it personally._

But Heath didn't die, not that time.

Here he was, now: I was watching his lifeless body, the body whose life I had squeezed out with my bare hands.

"Oh, Heath", I murmured, shaking my head in denial. What had I done? Why?

I grabbed a handful of his shirt with both my trembling hands, weakened by the effort of killing my brother, weakened by the pain of the loss I had caused to myself, pointlessly shaking him.

"Heath, Heath! No! Oh no, no! Heath! Heath, Heath!"

I cried out his name, again and again, my voice choked with tears and pain, while the enormity of what I had just done fell down on me, breaking me, destroying me with the understanding there was no return.

I had I killed the brother I loved more than life itself.


	2. Chapter 2

_Heath_

 _He jumped on me like a wild animal, like the wolf had done with him, his powerful blows hitting me without mercy. His strong hands were around my neck. I fought to free myself but it was impossible. I couldn't breathe, I was choking to death._

 _From where I was, I watched the face of the man I admired most in the world, loom over me. Every trace of humanity had been erased from that face. It was cold like stone, his mouth a strict line, his eyes void of any light._

 _I heard her voice, Hester's voice, pleading Nick to let go of me but he just wouldn't._

 _Was this really happening? Was I Abel, dying by the hand of Cain? No, it couldn't be, I wouldn't let it happen. I had just begun to live after years of being no one and I wouldn't give up. I wanted to live._

 _Someone tried to pull him away from me one time, two times. The second time he used his arm to get rid of him and I took my chance. I collected what was left of my strength and kicked him off me._

 _I watched him fly and fall, crumbling down in the ditch, rolling down and down stopping at the bottom, landing on a large rock. He stayed there unable to move his back twisted in an unnatural arch._

Eugene and I had gone all the way to Bridge Peak for the huge spruce that was now in our living room, "showing beautifully", as Mother said.

The tree was lush as any evergreen is, but still bare of decorations. Mother and Audra would see to it. It wasn't long before Christmas.

I looked around looking for something, not knowing what. I didn't find anything and I let myself drop on the settee. Notwithstanding the decorations and the tree, the house felt empty.

There was a sadness, a melancholy that accompanied every single thing we did or said. Nick had gone and nothing could fill the void my larger-than-life brother had left behind.

After all that happened, our lives were slowly going back to the usual routine. We all played our parts, pretending everything was alright. Audra was particularly touchy and would tear up for nothing. I was overly nervous and spoke the least I could. Jarrod was coming home increasingly rarely, with the excuse of an important case that needed to be followed personally. Eugene was openly angry, the only one demanding answers to Mother and trying to find any excuse to start a fight with anyone of us.

Mother. She was the one who was suffering the most. Hidden behind a wall of ladylikeness and self-control, we all knew she was mourning. The dark circles under her vivid eyes were proof enough of the lack of sleep. She had lost weight. Further. After all, she was the one who had sent him away.

That woman, Hester. She was the cause of all our troubles. The woman my brother was hopelessly, irretrievably in love with.

Trouble was, Nick wasn't enough for her. She wanted me, too.

I wouldn't be sincere if I said I wasn't attracted to her. She was beautiful, oh, she was. And she knew how to seduce a man. She was like a magnet her invisible force driving every man toward her. Me included. But she was the woman Nick loved and I tried to stay aside. I even tried to hide. But she'd always find me.

Nick should have known. He should have trusted me as his brother, as a Barkley. I can't believe he could, even for just one moment think I'd take advantage of a woman, any woman, let alone his bride-to-be. He should have known I'd never betray him. He should have known, after what happened when he was bitten by the rabid wolf, that he could trust me.

That time just like this time, he went away. That time like this time, I was afraid I'd never see him again. That time like this time, I missed him in a way I didn't think possible.

I sighed. I was hearing a whisper coming from a remote corner of my mind. I knew what it was. It was there, ready to attack. I could do all the logical reasoning trying to silence it, but it was there and as sure as hell the whisper would turn into a roar, the roar of the beast that was ripping apart my heart. Guilt. I was guilty. I could have avoided it all. I should have been clearer, or less ambiguous, with Hester. And if it didn't work, I should have gone away on a trip. If I wasn't there, none of this would have happened. If I wasn't here. If I had never come Nick and Hester would be here now in this house, with this family. The family I stole from him, from them.

Nick would be home for Christmas.

I felt the light touch of a small hand on my shoulder. I didn't need to turn to know whose that hand was.

I kept my eyes on the nothing in front of me.

She came to sit beside me. "Don't, Heath", she said.

"What?"

"Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault".

Since Nick had gone, Mother had never once named Nick or Hester again. This was the first time she referred to him, although indirectly.

"I miss him Mother", I dared to say.

"I know…" she bit her lower lip like she always did when she was trying to keep her emotions at bay, but I felt the hurt in her voice when she spoke again.

"We all do", she added.

 _Nick_

When I woke up my heart was pumping fast. I was gasping and sweating. His name was still on my lips.

"Heath", I murmured to the dark room, the sense of loss still overwhelming, the pain to be parted so hard to bear.

I turned toward my wife's side. The pale light coming from the window was enough for me to see how beautiful she was. She was placidly sleeping.

I remembered where I was. I remembered Heath wasn't dead. I remembered all that happened. Slowly, I calmed down. Heath wasn't dead, but I had suffered the loss anyway. I had chosen this woman over my family, and now it was too late, they wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

I climbed down the bed and went to the window, to watch outside. I hardly was used to the never ending noise in the background. There was always someone in the streets at any hour. Hester was happy here. She wasn't born to live in a ranch.

But what about me? I was born on the ranch and to that work, that was my life. That was my family. I closed my eyes and visualized them all, one by one, moving my lips to form their names: "Mother", "Jarrod", "Heath", "Audra", "Eugene". I could feel them closer this way.

With my eyes still closed, I visualized the tall Christmas tree that was now certainly standing proudly in the living room. I smiled at the smell of pine in the air, at the crackling fire, at the warmth of those gathered together to make a toast.

Ah, how I wished I could be home for Christmas.


	3. Chapter 3

_Heath_

I was loading the last sack on the wagon and was ready to go back to the ranch when I saw her. My heart lost a beat. Hester Converse, herself. I watched her give a look around as if to make sure no one could see her and she quickly entered the hotel.

Hester, one of the most beautiful and charming women I had ever known, the one who had nearly ruined forever one of the things I valued most in the world, the bond that tied my brother Nick's soul and mine.

She had run away weeks ago and I thought I'd never seen her again. She had gone back to the city where she belonged. Back to her life made of parties and dances, champagne, beautiful clothes, and fun. Back to having all the men at her feet. She wasn't meant to be a rancher's wife, or maybe she wasn't meant to be a wife altogether. Of one thing I was sure, I didn't want her to be Nick's wife.

After what had happened at Indian Springs, I doubt I'd ever be able to fix our relationship.

 _"Don't you ever touch me!"_ , he had told me.

During Nick's recovery, I'd hear his words of hatred in my head, each of them a stab in my heart.

 _"Don't you ever touch me!"_

It would happen at the oddest moments. I was hurled back in time, then, before my eyes the painful sight of a broken Nick, his growl in my ears.

He was delirious, when he spoke those words. I had provoked his injury to save my life.

 _Hester was in tears, she came out from the woods ripping her dress with on branch, running into my arms. She was out of herself, sobbing, crying, unable to speak properly._

 _It was then that Nick saw us._

 _He jumped on me like a wild animal, like the wolf had done with him, his powerful blows hitting me without mercy. His strong hands were around my neck. I fought to free myself but it was impossible. I couldn't breathe, I was choking to death._

 _From where I was, I watched the face of the man I admired most in the world loom over me. Every trace of humanity had been erased from that face. It was cold like stone, his mouth a straight line, his eyes void of any light._

 _I heard her voice, Hester's voice, pleading Nick to let go of me but he just wouldn't._

 _Was this really happening? Was I Abel, dying by the hand of Cain? No, it couldn't be, I wouldn't let it happen. I had just begun to live after years of being no one and I wouldn't give up. I wanted to live._

 _Someone tried to pull him away from me one time, two times. The second time he used his arm to get rid of him and I took my chance. I collected what was left of my strength and kicked him off me._

 _I watched him fly and fall, crumbling down in the ditch, rolling down and down stopping at the bottom, landing on a large rock. He stayed there unable to move his back twisted in an unnatural arch._

 _Nick_

Jealousy. I had never dealt with that feeling before. It's a slimy snake wriggling its way inside your veins, poisoning your blood. Once the poisoned blood reaches your head, it makes your brain explode and the explosion causes blindness.

That's what happened to me. I couldn't see my brother in front of me because I was blind. That's why I never gave him a chance to explain what had happened. That's why I jumped on him and actually tried to kill him.

I blamed Heath for Hester's faults. Because I was hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her.

That's why I was reliving that cursed night in my dreams again and again. The tragic outcome I dealt with in my dreams didn't really happen, but could very possibly have.

The deep sense of loss I woke up to was real. Because I had really lost a part of myself when I had chosen Hester over Heath one time, and I had chosen her once again, over my whole family.

Then, eventually, Nick healed and came to his senses.

We were in the parlor chatting and laughing, that evening. I was so happy. Nick was on the mend and our family warmth, our closeness was there again.

Silas announced dinner was served, so Audra was ready to help Nick with his wheelchair, but he decided that was the right moment to show us he was ready to walk again.

As we were all watching holding our breath, he stood. I could see how painful it was to him and how hard, but Nick is as stubborn as they come, just like any other Barkley.

When he fatally lost his balance I was right there in front of him. I quickly closed the distance between us and he almost fell in my arms. I was there to catch him. Nick grabbed onto me and I sustained him, I'd never let him fall. Our eyes met, I smiled at him.

"Thanks, Heath", he said.

Those two words were all I needed to hear. Just two words that meant the world to me.

At that point, we were holding on to each other. Our eyes were still engaged. We didn't say a word, but I knew what he was saying because I could feel it in my heart: "I am sorry for all that happened. I know I can trust you. You're my brother and I love you".

When we parted, I could see how the whole scene had affected those around us. They were all touched. Mother's eyes were glowing with unshed tears.

My heart rejoiced at the strong feeling of belonging those eyes instilled in me.

In a few days, it was like nothing had ever happened. Any tension between Nick and me melted away like snow in the sun. We were brothers again.

When she went away, I was tied down in the contraption Heath had made for me. I couldn't move my head. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched her ride away and I knew it was forever.

My heart was broken.

Just outside the tent, I could see Heath, discretely present as always.

Hester had talked and talked but that was the moment I really realized. I saw who Hester really was, what Heath had done, what I had done to him.

I closed my eyes and silently cried. For Heath, for Hester, and especially for myself.

Then days passed and I healed, both from my physical injury and from my broken heart. My family was there, all of them, for me.

I remember the day I tried to walk again. My still weak legs gave away, but Heath was there and he wouldn't let me fall. Like always, he had my back.

For a long moment, we looked into each other's eyes. It was then that I saw into my brother's soul. In those few seconds, I felt what he was feeling. It was a strong, unwavering feeling of loyalty and love.

He shot me his little smile and I felt the need to tell him I was sorry, that I trusted him with my life. To tell him he was my brother and that I loved him.

But I didn't.

"Thanks, Heath", was all I was able to say.

 _Heath_

Hester. Hester was here again. I left the wagon where it was and marched toward the hotel. In that short time a rage like I had never felt before began to burn in my gut, quickly turning into a wildfire. I was angry. I'm not the kind of man who'd ever hurt a woman, but she had caused so much suffering to my family, to my brother and to me.

The clerk, a short mid-aged man with a little dark hair left on the top of his head, was writing something in his register. I tried my best to speak calmly but I couldn't help a slight tremor in my voice.

"What room is Miss Converse in?"

"Converse? I don't believe we have a Miss Converse".

"Hester Converse. I saw her come here, she entered the hotel a few minutes ago. She must be on the register", I said while a senseless fear gripped my heart.

The man studied his book for a little while, then looked at me.

"I am sorry we have no Miss Converse in our hotel, Mister".

It was then that I heard her voice. She was descending the staircase giving instructions for her dinner. She stopped as soon as she saw me. As our eyes met, she winced.

"I'll have dinner in my room, please", she said, never diverting her eyes from mine.

"Certainly, Mrs. Barkley", the clerk said.


	4. Chapter 4

_Nick_

Just like the first time, we weren't expected. But there wasn't champagne, this time, and no toasts. No laughs, no music. Just astonishment and a coldness I never imagined I'd feel in my own house, with my own family.

 _She was so beautiful I was smitten all over again. I stood there, unable to walk further. As she had written in her note, she was sitting at a table in the hotel dining room, waiting for me. Enchanting. That was the word. She was wearing her blue dress, her dark curls resting softly on her shoulders. Her beauty stood out against the uniformity of the rest of the people. She was keeping her eyes low and seemed so fragile I felt the urge to reassure her. After all that she had done to me, I still felt the need to protect her._

 _I thought hard about all the pain I had gone trough for her, about all that my whole family had endured. When I found the strength to reach her, she didn't waste time in preambles. She stood and looked at me, her eyes glowing. Those eyes, those beautiful, intense eyes were imploring me._

 _"Oh, Nick, I love you so much", she said. Before I could mutter a word, she kissed me passionately. All that I had promised to myself vanished with the wink of an eye. I was hers. I was hers once again. I had never stopped being hers._

 _She took me by the hand and brought me upstairs._

 _I had had many women before, but never with any of them I had experienced such a total overwhelming involvement like here and now, with Hester. We were thirsty for one another, greedily drinking from one another to placate our burning desire. It was like we were born to belong each other, our bodies so perfectly synchronized. Our movements and sighs were the dance and the music of our starved souls, yearning for each other, our hearts beating the rhythm._

 _I forgot about myself._

 _I was the first man she slept with. And that was proof enough, for me, of how wrong we had been judging her, of how much she really loved me._

 _"Oh, Nick, can we be married? I mean right away, now, tonight" she asked, her breath short for the passion, for the fatigue of loving me._

 _Mine forever. Mine, just mine forever. "Don't even try to stop me", I replied, my voice full of emotion, my heart hammering against my chest._

 _"Oh, hold me", she said in a whisper. I held her tight, running my fingers through her silky hair, still not believing we were actually there together._

 _That same night she became my wife._

 _Heath_

We were in her room, signs of Nick's presence all over the place. A week had passed since the last time I had seen him. He had told us he was going to Salinas for an auction. But, instead, he had unmistakably been here. His vest was on the chair, his spurs on the floor. My heart sunk.

"Where is Nick?" I asked.

"Oh, he'll be here later tonight. We are alone, Heath". Hester was back at her extremely confident stance.

"We married, Heath. I am Mrs. Nick Barkley, now. We are coming tomorrow to the ranch to make our announcement, Heath".

I couldn't believe what I was listening. No, it wasn't possible. My ears were failing me because it just couldn't be.

"I won't let him do it", I pointlessly said.

"Oh, it's too late, Heath. He already did", she joyfully chirped.

I wanted to run out of there, I didn't want to see her. I turned to leave but she stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

"Heath! Don't talk with the family. Please, let Nick do it".

Once again, I was being asked to maintain a secret. I didn't know what to think or what to feel. My worst fears had come true and there was nothing I could do.

I turned to face her. "I know you don't love him, Hester, and you don't deserve him", I burst out. But I didn't achieve the desired effect with my words. On the contrary, she smiled and licked her upper lip, her eyes half-closed. She spoke slowly.

"Maybe. Maybe you're right. I don't love him. But think about it, Heath: as your sister-in-law, we'll have many occasions to… socialize".

Was she actually proposing me to cheat on my brother? I wanted to slap her. "I despise you, Hester. Mother despises you. Jarrod, Audra, Eugene despise you". My voice was quivering with anger.

"Oh, don't be melodramatic. I've seen the way you looked at me, Heath".

"Let me be clear with you, Hester. I'd rather die before doing anything with you. I'd rather die before cheating on Nick. You can't have all that you want. You can't have me, never".

The smile that had been on her face the whole time disappeared. She turned, giving me her back.

"Do you love your brother, Heath?", she asked.

I didn't need to think about the answer. "Do I breathe?"

"And… do you think he loves you?"

Her voice was implying all the things she wasn't saying. Surprised by her question, I didn't reply just as yet. She turned again to look at me, the smile back there.

"You haven't answered my question".

"I'm sure he does. Of course, he does". No, I wasn't sure. Not so sure. After all, he had almost killed me for her.

"You're a dreamer, Heath. Nick doesn't love you the way you do".

She had brought me where she wanted. All my confidence had gone. She owned my brother's heart and I couldn't do anything about that.

She nodded, her mischievous smile turning into an evil smirk in front of my eyes.

"I know what you are thinking, Heath, and you're right. He chose me over you once, he'll choose me over you always".

"That, until he finds out who you really are".

"We are married, did I mention that?"

"You can divorce".

"Oh, I'd never do that, You don't want me to break his heart, do you?"

"You broke his heart already, Hester. And yes, if this is the price for you to stay away from him, I'm asking you to break his heart. If there's still a shred of humanity in you, leave him alone. Leave now".

"You're pathetic, Heath. Just like your brother is. He loves me so much, but I don't. I don't love anybody except myself. Do you really think true love really exists? It's just a fairy tale. Attraction does exist. Youthful does exist. Life is short and we have to take all that we can".

She made two steps toward me.

"Your brother will kill for me, Heath. You know that, don't you?".

Sadly, yes, I knew. I swallowed hard.

She came even further, her face close to mine, our lips almost touching. She looked me in the eyes with dreamy eyes and blinked repeatedly, then stood on her tiptoes to reach my ear. "You are so handsome, Heath", she whispered. She wrapped her arms around my neck and sighed, resting her head on my shoulder, her long lashes brushing my jaw, making me quiver.

I grabbed both her wrists and pulled out to distance her from me, shaking her at the same time.

"You won't do this to him, or to me", I spat out with disgust.

She wiggled out, every trace of a resemblance to decency erased from her face. She frowned and spoke coldly.

"I'm warning you, Heath. You touch me one more time and I'll tell your brother you raped me".

I was speechless. She had gone that far.

I turned on my heels and left the room before I could do something I'd be sorry for.


	5. Chapter 5

_Hester_

As soon as Heath left, I opened my hand to watch my new toy, Heath's rattle charm, the real rattle of a rattlesnake. He was carrying that thing around, attached to a little bag. I have heard Audra call it "that awful thing". I found it intriguing.

I liked snakes, loved their sinuosity, admired their ability to hit fatally at the right time before their pray even started to realize what was happening. Well not in the case of a rattlesnake, its sound gave enough warning for any living creature to stay away or to run.

I considered myself a snake of the first category, the quiet one.

I played with the tiny segments touching them with my fingertips, testing their consistency, then shook it to make it rattle and smiled at the sound. Heath would never know how easy it had been for me to steal it from his vest pocket, he was too concerned about his brother's fate to pay attention.

I opened my jewelry box and gingerly put it there among my most precious belongings many coming from my family, but mostly gifts from suitors. I had a feeling it would soon come in handy.

 _Nick_

"Nick, it's about time…"

Mother's words died on her lips as soon as she saw Hester. I strengthened my grip around her waist.

"Mother, Hester and I have married", I announced, trying to sound more confident than I really was.

I had seen Mother handle any situation, from Father's death to Heath's arrival, with the most controlled attitude. But this time… oh, this time it was different. This was the very first time I had ever seen her speechless.

Jarrod and Heath were descending the stairs. As soon as they saw us they stopped. Heath stiffened and grasped the banister as if to balance himself. As soon as my eyes stopped on him, he dropped his own. That made me feel very uneasy. But his hesitation lasted a few seconds. He slowly proceeded toward the bottom and stayed there while Jarrod swiftly made the rest of his way down and quickly joined us.

He didn't even look at Hester, but spoke to me pointing his thumb toward her with contempt.

"What in the world is she doing here, Nick?"

I felt the urge to hit him and hit him hard, but I swallowed my anger and replied through clenched teeth.

"This is none of your concern, Jarrod. Back off or I'll…"

"You will what, Brother Nick? Jump at me? Hit me? Will you attempt to strangle me?"

Before he could speak further, Mother put a hand to his chest to stop him. She looked at us long and hard. Her eyes stopped on me when she spoke her next words.

"She is not welcome in this house, Nicholas", she said icily. I wasn't expecting a warm reception, but not this either. I felt outraged.

"Mother, Hester is my wife. You can't…"

"I can and I'm doing it. Nick, how could you… ", her voice broke as she struggled to regain her composure. It was thick with tears when she spoke again. "How could you possibly do that, how could you marry her after all she has done to this family, to your brother and to you? You have betrayed this family".

Jarrod, just a step beside her, was visibly making a huge effort to restrain himself, his mouth a strict line, the muscle in his jaw leaping, his hands balled into fists, his intense blue eyes unforgivingly fixed on me. I had never seen Jarrod that angry.

I searched Heath with my eyes, but he was still watching his boots, deliberately avoiding any eye contact with me. I wouldn't find support there, not this time.

I was alone. Alone with my choices. But, there was Hester. I looked at her she was proudly standing beside me, her chin high, as to challenge anybody to say differently. I loved this woman with all my heart. She gave me the strength to face anything, including my family's rejection.

"Well, thank you very much. Thank you all. If Hester isn't welcome in this house, neither am I. Don't take the trouble to come looking for us".

Before I turned to leave, slamming the door close behind me, for just one second I caught Heath's eyes.

Hurt, sorrow, helplessness. That's what I saw there.

I loved my life as a rancher but I didn't really need to work for a living. I had enough in my personal account where I received my share of interests from the family's many investments, to easily maintain my wife and our fancy new house in the highest residential area in San Francisco, servants included. Yes, because Hester needed a maid, a butler, and a cook.

I missed my family badly. I had finally admitted it to myself. I had written to Eugene, who had gone back to school after the summer pause, and we had started an extensive correspondence. My youngest brother didn't hide the low opinion he had of Hester, but he didn't either agree with the way Mother and Jarrod had treated us. Heath…he had done nothing. Gene was the only bond I still had with my old life, and his letters had become very important to me.

He would soon go home for Christmas.

Hester didn't seem to care about Christmas, aside from the parties she would attend. We didn't even have a tree. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like, alone with her. But I very well imagined how it would be if I was home, and I loved to picture the scene in my mind.

 _The room is lit by a warm light, coming both from the fireplace and straight from our hearts. We are opening our gifts and exclamations of wonderment fill the air. It's such a pleasure to receive from our loved ones, and a so much greater pleasure to give._

 _Mother is visibly touched, her eyes shining with pride. I follow her gaze and see the portrait. Our father is lovingly watching us from above the mantle: all of us, all his children, gathered together._

 _The warmth, the laughs, the jokes, all fill my heart with joy and contentment._

It would warm my heart, but it was just a dream. I was here in this big lonely house alone. Today, like many other days, Hester had gone God only knew where. Since we had come to San Francisco, she had grown increasingly restless and, lately, she had the habit of going out without me. She'd tell me she was visiting a friend or another, but she'd stay out for many hours.

My nights were plagued with nightmares. Every night, I'd unerringly dream about what had happened during our trip to Indian Springs so many months ago but in my dreams I ended up killing Heath. When I woke up, I'd feel miserable, half dead for the fear and the pain.

That night, I wanted it to be different. I needed to drink. Maybe, if I drank enough, I wouldn't dream. I went to the liquor tray and purposely swallowed one glass after another until I barely had the strength to drag myself to bed and lose my senses.

 _When I woke up my heart was pumping fast. I was gasping and sweating. His name was still on my lips._

 _"Heath", I murmured to the dark room, the sense of loss still overwhelming, the pain of being parted so hard to bear._

 _I turned toward my wife's side. The pale light coming from the window was enough for me to see how beautiful she was. She was placidly sleeping._

 _Heath_

 _"I miss him Mother", I dared to say._

 _"I know…" she bit her lower lip like she always did when she was trying to keep her emotions at bay, but I felt the hurt in her voice when she spoke again._

 _"We all do", she added._

"I'm going to San Francisco. I know where Nick is". Eugene's voice startled us. We turned to see that he and Audra were there with us. I hadn't heard them come and had no idea of how much of our conversation they had heard.

"Gene…" Mother began.

"No, Mother. I haven't had my say in any of this. You all acted like Audra and I didn't even exist. Nick is our brother, too and I want him to be home for Christmas".

"And so do I", Audra stated in no uncertain terms. She wrapped her arm around Eugene's shoulders as he was folding his own arms in a challenging stance.

He looked so much like Nick that my heart broke. I missed him more than ever. But, while I was watching my youngest siblings, a different feeling fought its way through my heart and came to the surface.

They both had a light in their eyes I had seldom seen before in someone so young. The pain for Nick's absence slowly but surely turned into pride, and I smiled broadly for the first time in so many months.

I had made a decision.


	6. Chapter 6

_Heath_

Eugene was still a boy, and he was my little brother, my only little brother. To me, he was an intriguing mix of both Jarrod and Nick. He had Jarrod's hunger for knowledge and his same analytical skills. He could be the perfect gentleman if he wanted, just like our oldest brother. But the same fire that burned inside Nick burned inside him too and he could be as volatile as just our older brother could be, reminding me of him so much that sometimes it hurt.

More than anything, just like the rest of us, Eugene had a stubborn streak a mile wide. Yet, he had something peculiar that made him the unique person he was.

He still hadn't decided what he wanted to be. I had a feeling he would follow in Jarrod's footsteps, after all. Nick was his hero, but he was too much of a good student. Since I had arrived at the ranch, he had relaxed a bit on this subject. Nick could count on me now and, although Gene was clearly jealous of our bond at times, he was now feeling free to choose his own path.

One thing I had learned in those months, I cared about him. I couldn't tell the way he felt about me though. He had been both reluctant like Nick and welcoming like Jarrod depending on the circumstances. Although I knew he had accepted me as a Barkley and a brother, I knew he still didn't wholly trust me. I didn't blame him for that, he hadn't been home long enough to get to know me well.

"I said I'm going and I'm going", he said, and I wasn't expecting any less from him.

"Gene, try to be reasonable…"

"It's me that he's been looking for, Heath. He needs me, and I need him, too".

"I know how you feel, Gene, but I need to be the one going, you know this has been between Nick and me from the beginning. Besides, Mother wouldn't let you anyway".

Eugene sighed. He knew I was right. He went to his desk and retrieved a letter from a drawer. My heart lost a beat when I saw the writing on the corner of the envelope, Nick's writing.

Gene handed it out to me and I took it taking note of the address.

"Read it", Gene added. "It's the last one he sent me. You need to know the way he feels if you want to have a chance of bringing him back home".

Nick had never been very talkative. As Jarrod once said, "the only time he makes speeches is when he's mad". But, the few people he really loved and trusted knew how deeply he really felt. He trusted me. Well, at least, once he had trusted me, and I knew how deep his feelings were.

I drank each word like a thirsty man in the desert. His letter was like a mirror of his heart, the heart that I missed so much. The heart that once beat as one with mine. A now broken, shattered heart. In the few words he had written, I could read all his loneliness, all his yearning for home. I could also read how Hester was using him, and how much he was hurting.

I knew how much I really hated her. Hester. The woman who had stolen my brother's life with the precise purpose of destroying it.

I should have done more. I should have warned Nick. No matter what Hester had told me, no matter how she forced me into a corner. Anything, anything would have been better than this.

Overwhelmed by my sense of loss, by my sense of guilt, I felt weak and collapsed in a chair.

Gene's hand on my shoulder was a comfort I didn't expect. He didn't talk, but his eyes spoke volumes: he knew what Nick meant to me and that I'd do anything to bring him back.

Eugene Barkley, my little brother was really completely trusting me for the first time. It was such a sudden and unexpected joy. It warmed my heart. I smiled at him, to let him know how much I appreciated that.

"Keep the letter", he said.

 _Nick_

In my dreams, Heath was dead, once again. I was shaking his body pointlessly asking him not to be dead.

 _"Heath, Heath! No! Oh no, no! Heath! Heath, Heath!"_

When she woke me up I barely knew where I was. The front door shut closed and I heard her laugh. The laugh I once loved sounded so out of place, so painful for my mourning heart.

She was disheveled and half drunk.

"Where have you been?", I asked her.

"Oh, Nicky. Does it matter?", she said lightly, walking past me. But, I grasped her wrist and wouldn't let go.

"Leave me be!", she hissed. I strengthened my grip but she was a wild cat and getting furious.

"You're my wife, Hester, and I have a right to know…"

"Oh, yes? A right? After the way your family treated me?"

She had always been so full of spirit. And now, now in her anger, her eyes were so vivid, so challenging. I thought she had never been so beautiful.

She twitched herself free but didn't run away. Oh, no. She came closer instead.

"Your brother wanted me, Nick. Oh, he wanted me so bad. You know that, don't you, Nicky? He wanted me and maybe, maybe… he had me. I have the proof, do you want to see it?"

She wanted to hurt me, and she succeeded.

I needed to get out of there, I needed to walk. As I left the house, I heard her laugh again, wildly. She was laughing at me. My eyes cast, I walked away not knowing if I'd ever come back.

I didn't believe what Hester had told me. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I trusted Heath. What had happened when the rabid wolf had bitten me was still very alive in my memory. It had been a hard ordeal, but all that I had gone through, Heath had gone through with me.

 _We walked out the doctor's office. I was going to die, and I didn't want the rest of the family to be dying with me. I told Heath I wanted his word on it._

 _It was so clear to see how he was feeling. He was the only one condemned to die with me._

 _"Your word", I insisted._

 _"You got it", he said._

 _For sixty-five, seemingly eternally lasting days, while I was fighting against the fits of range and the wrenching headaches that nearly killed me, he counted down each day in his notebook, resisting to any questioning from the family, keeping his vow of silence at any cost._

Yes, I trusted him with my life.

But he wasn't here now. For the very first time in my life, I really felt alone. I had no place I could call home now.

 _Jarrod_

I was tired, very tired. In a couple of days, I'd take the train back to Stockton and I'd be back to the ranch. Not that this thought was of any comfort. The place I once called home didn't feel the same to me, and that was the reason why I had purposely put all those miles in between. I had literally escaped to come here and drown myself into work. But I couldn't hide forever.

Ironically, this would be my first Christmas with Heath, and my first Christmas without Nick.

I stood abruptly, some of the papers falling from my desk. I didn't care to pick them up. I started pacing, much like Nick used to do when he was worried about someone of the family, or mad at someone. But the smile that thought brought was short-lived. It soon turned into a bitter smile. Nick.

If Nick had made a choice, it was his own choice. Choosing Hester, he had rejected the rest of us just as much as we had rejected him.

Hester. She was like cancer, a foreign body who had been able to insinuate herself in our family trying to destroy us and she had almost succeeded. If I could only extirpate that cancer.

I heard my secretary's voice from behind the door.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Barkley is in a conference, I'll tell him you're here…"

"Oh, I'm sure he'll find a little time for his sister-in-law", the other voice said. A voice I knew very well. A voice you could never forget once you've hear it.

I opened my office door and she was there. For a moment, her beauty took my breath away.

"Jarrod, how nice to see you", she chirped and her sneaky smile reminded me immediately of what she really was.

"Hester. I wish I could say the same. Please come in", I said coldly. I had no intention letting her make a fool out of me.

"What you came here for, Hester? I don't have time to waste", I said as she closed the door behind her and I sat at my desk.

When I laid my eyes on her again, I shivered. She was beautiful, yes, but what I was watching was pure evil.

She retrieved something from her purse and threw it on my desk in a rather theatrical gesture.

"Do you recognize it?" she asked.

I took it in my hand and my heart lost a beat. I shook my head in denial. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was the rattle of a rattlesnake. Heath's infamous rattle charm.

For a while, I lost myself in thoughts. How could Hester have it? What did that mean? Did that mean that… Oh, no. I didn't believe it. It wasn't possible. But still…

"What…?", I stuttered, unable to complete my thought.

"What does it seem?", she asked.

I gasped at the infinite satisfaction I saw on her face at the doubt she could see in my eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

_Heath_

It was late evening when I arrived at Jarrod's office in San Francisco. A woman was walking out and I stayed in the shadows as soon I realized who she was. My only sister-in-law, Hester Converse Barkley. What was she doing here?

Just around the corner, a well-dressed young man was waiting for her.

She ran into his arms and I caught a glimpse of their smiling faces. I went numb, bewildered. That man… was me! Boy Howdy. There, outside my brother's office, I was seeing Hester and I… share a passionate kiss!

The resemblance was striking. Arm in arm cheerfully talking and laughing they walked away soon swallowed by the shadows in the cold night.

It took a few minutes before I was able to collect myself. More than ever after what I had just witnessed, I wanted to see Jarrod. The main entrance was open but his secretary's desk was empty all the papers well stacked in a corner, a sheet still in the typewriter.

I sensed Jarrod's presence behind the door, the smell of cigar smoke bringing back familiar memories. I realized I was missing my brother more than I knew.

We would go together and get Nick back home. With a new confidence sprouting in my heart, I knocked on the door, full of expectancy. Together, Jarrod and I could do anything, I just knew that.

The door opened and all I had the time to see were two intense, narrowed blue eyes before a powerful punch painfully hit my jaw.

I went out cold.

 _Hester_

Heath had been the first and only man who had rejected me. He wanted me, of course, like any other man did. I could see it so clearly in the way he looked at me, in the way he had touched me the few times he had had the chance. Yet he feared me. He was afraid of what he could do given the occasion, of what he could do with his beloved brother's wife-to-be.

And Nick. Oh, he knew. He tried to deny it to himself, but of course, he could sense what was passing between his brother and me, the unexpressed yet undeniable attraction, the sexual tension expressed by our little game of casual glances.

They loved each other, I knew that very well. They both were walking on eggshells with the fear of hurting each other, with the fear of losing each other.

Ah, how I was intrigued by Heath's fear, by Nick's suspicion, by the stream of feelings of desire, fear, and love that was passing among the three of us. I was feeling on the edge, and it was exciting. That excitement revived me. The Hester who looked back at me from the mirror had a new light her eyes. I was even more beautiful. I was thriving.

I remembered the day I went to the barn in order to surprise Heath alone.

 _The smell hit my nostrils as soon as I opened the big wooden door to the barn. Horse manure, sweat, leather, wooden and hay, all mixed together. It was intoxicating. I breathed deeply. I wanted to breathe the same air Heath was breathing, I wanted to get drunk with it._

 _He was grooming his horse. He was oh, so handsome though. He was moving his arm up and down in a hypnotic dance, caressing the horse's neck with his strong hands, playing with his mane. Oh, those hands, those fingers on my neck, in my hair._

 _"Breeding beauty and strength, all the virtues a woman could ask for of a horse, and in a man for that matter. What are the virtues you look for, Heath? In a horse, I mean…"_

 _"Those you mentioned sound pretty good, except that for my own horse I'd add spirit"._

 _"I would too! So it seems we think alike! Were you surprised when you heard that Nick and I were going to be married?"_

 _"I was..."_

 _"And did it please you?"_

 _"Well, I've always found Nick to be pretty good at judging people"_

 _"So that's an indirect way of telling me what Nick feels and I already know that. So, you haven't answered my question, which is how you feel about that. Forgive me, I was just teasing you because... well, you seem so serious all the time. You don't have to answer me now, at least not until you have a chance to get to know me a little better"._

 _He listened without uttering a word, while I was slowly walking toward him. The way he was looking at me was priceless. I was goading him, prodding him. He barely spoke, all the time kind of hiding behind his horse, trying to look indifferent, but he was a man and it was clear what my presence did to him._

 _Heath and me there in the barn, alone. Anything could happen. That was until Jarrod came with his unrelenting questions, interrupting us._

Nick was wrapped around my little finger. He was like a puppet in my hands. Nick Barkley loved me so completely, so blindly, with all the considerable capacity of his heart, that I could make him do whatever I wanted. When I went back asking him to take me back, he never hesitated. He chose me all over again over his brother and his entire family.

What I really wanted, when I married Nick, was to be back in their family fold, so that I could live in the excitement of our first moments together again and again. Now that I was Mrs. Nick Barkley, I would have had the chance to see Heath often. I wanted them both, Nick and Heath, and I would. I knew I was playing a dangerous game, but I loved that game, that was the way I wanted to live. The way it made me feel, would make my life worth living. It was even worth dying for.

I was that close just that close. But I hadn't counted Victoria and Jarrod in my plan. Just like that they sent us away. Oh, I could see how it was costing them. Nick was their precious son and brother. But they did it anyway.

That was the moment I swore I'd make them pay. I wanted revenge. And Nick would do the job. I wanted them hurt, and he was the one who would hurt them. I wanted him to hurt Heath above all.

But Nick was a hopeless case. He kept having that stupid dream about him killing his brother. I had heard him cry - by God, cry! – over Heath's death every single night since we had come to San Francisco.

Nick needed to be triggered, and I made a point of doing just that. I found myself a lover. He looked like Heath. In our moments of intimacy, I would pretend it was him with me, loving me. In those moments, I tasted how it could have been. Heath had never fallen for my seduction, but just because I hadn't had the time.

But that fool wasn't Heath, not even remotely. Not the same toughness, not the same sensibility, not the same intelligence. Not the same moral integrity. That same integrity I wanted so much to corrupt.

I knew my poor husband was hurting, that he had sensed something. He was drinking too much. But he deserved that. He was purposely ignoring what I was doing, he didn't want to see. I was just waiting for the right moment to do what I had had in mind for months. I wanted my revenge.

One day he finally reacted and faced me. I jumped right at the chance.

He left the house and didn't come back, but I knew what the doubt I had instilled in him was doing to him.

One last particular and everything was ready for Heath's downfall. I just had to add the last piece to the puzzle. My plan was perfect, I couldn't fail.

I went to Jarrod.

 _Heath_

I was watching Jarrod's open palm and the little thing that was in it. The room began to turn and I felt sick. My mind went back in time, to the day I was in a hotel room, alone with Hester. I had been too worried about my brother to realize she was stealing my rattle charm from me.

I retrieved the purse I was holding in my vest pocket. I had realized the charm was missing just days after Nick and Hester had left. I was distracted in those days I had too much in my mind and didn't give it more than a thought. There it was, the charm I was keeping for good luck. It was supposed to protect me from the bite of the snakes, but a snake had bitten me, the most poisoning snake of all, Hester.

From Jarrod's words, I learned what kind of plot she had formed against me, for no other purpose than revenge. She had tried to play Nick and me against one another right from the beginning, and sadly she had succeeded. This was her last chance to win the whole game.

I couldn't believe Jarrod would let her fool him like that, after all that happened, after what I had just witnessed.

"Do you really believe I'd do such a thing to Nick, Jarrod?" I asked, a hand distractedly rubbing my bruised jaw.

"She said the hotel clerk will recognize you, Heath. Is it true?"

"Yes, it is true, but I thought you'd know me by now, Jarrod. I went to the hotel but it wasn't for what she wants you to think. Make your choice, counselor. Do you believe me or Hester?"

Jarrod let himself sink in the stuffed chair behind his solid wood desk. Books were all around the room, in the ceiling height library covering the entire perimeter, on his desk, even on the floor.

Jarrod looked so tired. He took a glass he had left there and gulped what was left inside. When he raised his eyes back to me, he seemed so lost that my heart ached.

He sighed and shook his head. "Forgive me, Heath. Of course, I believe you. Tell me everything and don't leave out any particular"


	8. Chapter 8

_Nick_

Hester… Oh, Hester. Her lips slightly open waiting for my kisses. Her fevered eyes looking at me with desire. Her skin so perfect, shivering in pleasure under my touch. Ah the delight of having her in my arms, of hearing her sighs in my ears. And the joy of listening to her cheerful chattering, her playful way of teasing me. Her hunger for life, her curiosity. Anything she did, anything she said, anything about her would make my heart burst in love. She made me feel so alive, it was like to be born again to a new life full of wonder, ready to discover every little thing all over again, to savor anew every taste, every scent, every shade of color. I had really thought we were matching souls.

 _I had had many women before, but never with any of them had I experienced such a total overwhelming involvement like here and now, with Hester. We were thirsty for one another, greedily drinking from one another to placate our burning desire. It was like we were born to belong with each other, our bodies so perfectly synchronized. Our movements and sighs were the dance and the music of our starved souls, yearning for each other, our hearts beating the rhythm._

I'd have done anything, anything to go back to that first time together, to the first days of our marriage, when we were staying at the hotel in Stockton. But I knew it wasn't possible. I was reliving our honeymoon over and over. Each time I did, my return to reality was more painful, more wrenching. Three days. Three days, wandering aimlessly in the Streets of San Francisco feeling a stranger, my heart full of self-hatred, drinking my nights away. I was a mess.

I'm not a fool, I knew my wife was being unfaithful. And I'm not a man who compromises, but for days I'd been pretending not to see what was in front of my eyes. She was challenging me, it had been going on like that for days, months by now.

And now, now what was she trying to do? Heath. She had brought up his name again. She wanted to use me against Heath, again. She wanted to destroy Heath because he had been the loyal brother, the brother who would lay down his life for me at any moment. I owed him so much and I had repaid him by trying to kill him. I had never apologized for the way I had treated him.

Hester thought she could make me do whatever she wanted, but this time she was wrong. I still loved her, but while I trusted Heath, I didn't trust her anymore and I didn't believe what she had said. I wouldn't hurt my family for her, never again.

It was over. No more lies, no more humiliations. I needed to be myself again. I'd go back to the ranch, to the land I loved, to the family I had hurt so badly. To the people who loved me and I was so desperately missing. I wanted a divorce.

I'd be home for Christmas.

As soon as I formulated the thought, I felt better. With this resolution in mind, I marched toward the house I'd been living in with my wife. The big, luxury house where I had never felt at home.

It was there that I saw them. Just outside our house. They were talking and she was laughing her light-hearted laugh when he pulled her in a passionate embrace. They kissed.

The whole world came crashing down on me. In front of my eyes, Heath and Hester were kissing.

 _Jarrod_

The shrewd lawyer, used to dealing with impostors and professional liars, able to solve the most intricate cases, deceived by one woman's duplicity. I couldn't start to forgive myself for having just for one minute believed Hester's words. I knew the kind of man my brother Heath was.

In my defense, I was worried, tired, and weakened by the sequence of facts that had brought us to this point.

Now that Heath had told me all that had happened, beginning with his encounter with Hester in the hotel in Stockton and ending with what he had witnessed outside my office here in San Francisco, all the pieces of Hester's plan were falling into place.

I should have known. I knew who Hester was from day one, as Nick burst into the house happily announcing their imminent wedding.

 _As soon as I entered the barn, that morning, I had the strong feeling I had interrupted something. Heath was visibly embarrassed and looked very relieved when I gave him the opportunity to leave. He literally ran away. Hester was quick to following him, but I stopped her._

 _"Hester, do you have a minute?"_

 _"What is it, Jarrod?"_

 _"You know, I just realized that we've met before"._

 _"Oh?"_

 _"It was in San Francisco... I don't know, six, eight months ago, in one of those big fancy occasions"._

 _"Oh, let's see, could it have been the Governor's Ball, maybe?"_

 _"No, no I don't think so"._

 _"Or... the reception for Madame Modjeska?"_

 _"No, no, I think it was one of those charity affairs, for a hospital"._

 _"Char…"_

 _"Ah, I'm not surprised you don't remember me, I was the only one of your many admirers who danced with you that night"._

 _"Well, that's no excuse for my not remembering you, Jarrod, I apologize"._

 _"You're forgiven. You know, Hester, I can't get the feeling that this camping trip isn't really your idea of fun"._

 _"Is that a feeling or a conclusion?"_

 _"Well, I don't know you well enough to draw conclusions, do I?"_

 _"Well, draw a few anyway. If you're wrong I'll object"._

 _"Alright. You know, Hester, Stockton isn't exactly San Francisco, doesn't have the same excitement or glamor. I'm afraid you won't get the same kind of attention you're used to. I was just wondering if you'd be able to live without all that here in this valley"._

 _"Well, I'm marrying Nick, not the valley. The adjustments to living on a ranch will take a little time, but..."_

 _"I'm not talking so much about the ranch. To be perfectly honest I was just wondering if you'll be able to give up the game of... well, suitors if you will"._

 _"And on what do you base your doubt?"_

 _"I don't know, maybe nothing"._

 _"Good, because you're wrong, Jarrod"._

In fact, I was wrong. She was far worse than what I thought.

Heath pulled out an envelope from his vest pocket and handed it to me. On the corner, I recognized Nick's writing. His address, the place where he was living his new life with Hester. In this same city. Nick… the brother I had personally kicked out. My heart ached at the memory, and I realized how painfully I was missing him. Nick and I didn't always exactly see eye to eye, but we were cut from the same cloth, we were alike in what really mattered. I swore I'd bring him back where he belonged. With Heath on my side, I knew I couldn't fail.

"Come on, Heath, let's go get our brother home", I said taking my hat.

Heath had told me Hester's lover looked like him, but to see it with my eyes was shocking. They were shamelessly kissing just outside what was supposed to be Nick and Hester's love nest.

I spoke just when I was very close to them. "Well, well, well. The leopard didn't change her spots, I see. Or should I say the snake didn't change her skin?"

 _Heath_

At Jarrod's words, the couple parted. Once again, I was startled by the striking resemblance of Hester's lover to me. Jarrod outstretched his arm, in his open palm my rattle charm, right in front of Hester's eyes.

"This is supposed to be Heath's, but I believe it rightly belongs to you", he said with such disdain I watched Hester gasp.

I was standing just a step behind and Jarrod passed the rattle charm to me. I held it in my fist.

"Now, dear sister-in-law, would you be so kind as to introduce us to your… friend?", Jarrod added, meaningfully stressing the word "friend".

She turned her eyes on me. "Heath… Heath, I…", she began and shook her gracious head, her mouth open as for looking for words she couldn't find.

"Hester!"

The powerful voice I'd recognize anywhere, Nick's voice, startled us all. He was walking straight toward us, his gun drawn. It was clear he wasn't in a good shape, the dark circles under his eyes a clear sign of sleepless nights, the unshaven cheeks accentuating his haggard features. I had seen my brother mad many times, but I had never seen him this way. He was beyond himself. He was furious.

"Hester, who are these people?", the young man asked. He was visibly scared. I watched his hand go to the internal pocket of his jacket, pull out a small gun. At the same time, he grasped Hester by her waist with his other arm and shielded himself behind her, the barrel of his gun touching her jaw.

Never diverting my eyes from them, I reached for my own gun and sensed Jarrod do the same.

"Don't move, or I'll kill her", he said.

When I saw the-man-who-looked-like-me slowly turn his trembling gun toward Nick, my heart stopped. In a matter of seconds, I knew what I had to do. I threw the rattle charm to the ground at their feet.

I had never known a sound to be deadly, but that rattling sound was just that.

They both jumped in surprise, and Hester took her chance shoving the man aside, freeing herself. She didn't take more than one step.

Four men fired at the same time, four bullets hit their targets.

When I was close enough to see him well, I wondered how could I have ever believed that man was Heath. I had never seen that fear in my brother's eyes. I drew my gun. I didn't know what I would do. All I knew was I was furious. At Hester, at that man, at myself.

Just a moment later it was all over. I watched Hester jerk while the man's bullet hit her in the back. Her hands flew to her stomach were a red stain was enlarging on her dress.

I reached her and caught her before she could hit the ground, and she collapsed into my arms. I kneeled, gingerly laying her down.

I searched her face. Incredibly, she was smiling.

"It was worth… dying for", she whispered, before she closed her eyes forever.

As the light of the day was being swallowed by the darkness of unconsciousness, I heard myself cry out her name.

All three our bullets hit the-man-who-looked-like-me at the same time. But, he had had the time to shoot and his bullet had hit Hester in her back. In the short distance, his bullet passed right through her.

She died in Nick's arms.


	9. Chapter 9

_Nick_

I had been waiting for this moment for months. I was home and I felt at peace.

Hester's death had left a bitter taste in my mouth. She had been the greatest love of my life, and she was gone. She had hurt us badly, all of us, yet she had given me so much. I had had the chance to know what loving someone so wholly and completely meant. She had given me a part of herself, of her youth, of her joyful way to live.

When she had died, a part of me had died with her.

I walked out to the balcony. There, in the coldness, I stared at the dark, thinking of her, thinking of the woman who had taught me what love was.

 _Heath_

I watched Nick walk out of the balcony. He was there alone, staring at the dark. I knew who he was thinking about.

I was hearing the familiar whisper come from a remote corner of my mind. I knew what it was. It was there, ready to attack. I could do all the logical reasoning trying to silence it, but it was there and as sure as hell the whisper would turn into a roar, the roar of the beast that was ripping apart my heart. Guilt. I was guilty. I could have avoided it all. I should have been clearer or less ambiguous with Hester. And if it didn't work, I should have gone away on a trip. If I wasn't there none of this would have happened. If I wasn't here. If I had never come, Nick and Hester would be here now in this house, with this family. The family I stole from him, from them.

She wouldn't be dead, and Nick would be happy. They all would be happy.

I loved this family so much, they had given me more than I deserved. And, I loved Nick more than my very life. I couldn't even explain what he meant to me. He was holding the part of my soul I was missing since I was born. When we had known each other, I knew had found that missing part. When I was with him, I felt complete, I felt my real self.

But, I had stolen what he held dearest in his life. I had hurt him. I'd do anything, anything to make it right, to give him back what he was missing.

I needed to tell him how I was feeling, I needed to tell him how sorry I was.

It took me all my courage to reach him out on the balcony, but I did. I owed him that, at least.

I reached out and touch his shoulder with a trembling hand.

"Nick…", I murmured.

He turned his head to watch me.

"I… I am so sorry", I muttered.

He completely turned toward me and watched me intensely. He didn't talk just as yet, his eyes fixed on mine. Usually, he was an open book to me, but right now I had no idea of what was in his mind.

I just hoped he could find in his heart to forgive me.

 _Nick_

Heath and I hadn't grown up together. Yet, we were brothers to the deepest meaning of the word. He had brought me back something that was missing in me. Something I was missing since Father's death.

I knew him, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing in those eyes. Heath could be hard to read but, when he was off guard, like in this moment, I could see in the depth of his soul. He was feeling guilty. He was blaming himself for what had happened with Hester. Knowing him, I knew he was very likely feeling guilty for having come to the ranch, maybe even for being born.

How wrong he was.

I was nothing but grateful for the fact he had come, I was even grateful to Father for having been unfaithful to Mother because thanks to that Heath was born. I couldn't imagine my life without him, not anymore.

His loyalty, his honesty, had literally saved my life. He was more than a brother to me, he was part of myself, he was my own soul.

I shook myself in disbelief of what I was seeing and watched him stiffen. Was he really thinking he had something to be forgiven for? I couldn't believe that. It was me, just me the one who needed to apologize.

I laid both my hands on his shoulders. I was so overwhelmed by my emotions that I had to swallow hard to hold my tears.

"Heath, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am the one who needs to apologize".

"Nick…"

"For crying out loud, Heath, would you keep quiet and just listen to me?"

"Okay Nick", he said, the little, lopsided smile I had come to know so well, tugging at his lips. He was relieved I was being my usual self. But I had some serious things to tell him.

"Heath, you didn't deserve the way I treated you. I was a fool. I mean it. I was wrong. I was wrong for the way I treated you when you first came. I was wrong when I forced you to hold my secret when the rabid wolf bit me. I was wrong when Hester… when Hester tried to seduce you and I believed you had tried to take advantage of her. I was wrong all along and I am so sorry. Please, forgive me, Heath. You saved my life in so many ways and I'm so very grateful you're here and… well, you know what I mean", I suddenly cut short.

"Boy howdy, Nick, I… I don't know what to say".

I didn't know whether I'd actually find the courage to finally tell him what I needed to tell him, the way I felt about him. I just pulled him into a tight hug. After a moment of hesitation, I felt him hug me back. But, that wasn't enough. Before he could free himself, I tightened my hold of him and said the words in his ears.

"I love you, brother".

I felt him tighten his hold in turn, for just a moment, then he pulled out to look me in the eyes. He was deeply moved, but I had never seen him so happy. He had a light, a brightness in those eyes like I had never seen before.

"I love you too, brother", he said.

 _-_ ** _BVBVBVBVBVBVB_** _-_

The house was bright, shining with lights like a starry night. Mother, Audra, and Silas had outdone themselves decorating it.

The tall Christmas tree, a huge spruce Heath and Eugene had gone all the way to Bridge Peak to get, was now standing proudly in the living room. I smiled at the smell of pine in the air, and that of gingerbread and cinnamon coming from the kitchen, at the crackling fire, at the warmth of my family around me.

Mother was visibly touched, her eyes shining with pride. I follow her gaze and saw the portrait. Our father was lovingly watching us from above the mantle, all of us, all his children, gathered together.

The room was lit by a warm light, coming both from the fireplace and straight from our hearts. We opened our gifts and exclamations of wonderment filled the air. It was such a pleasure to receive from our loved ones and a so much greater pleasure to give.

The warmth, the laughs, the jokes, all filled my heart with joy and contentment.

I was finally home for Christmas.

THE END


End file.
